An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much time at the pub, so one night he took her along. "What'll ya have?" he asked. "Oh,I don't know. The same as you,I suppose," she replied. So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one gulp. His wife watched him,then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck,that's nasty poison!"she spluttered."I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well,there you go,"cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
"Duane,where's your homework?" Miss Malone said sternly to the boy,holding out her hand. "I don't have it,"the boy replied."My dog ate it." "Duane,I've been a teacher for twenty years. Do you really expect me to believe that story?" "I swear it's true!"insisted the boy. "I had to force him,but he did eat it!"
A man had been drinking at a pub all night.The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the man stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time;same result. He figured he'd crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decide to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright,but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him,shouting,"So,you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?"he asked,putting on an innocent look.<br> "The pub called--you left your wheelchair there again."
Granny was visiting town for the first time. She checks in at the hotel, and the bellboy takes her bags. She follows the boy,and as the door closes, she looks around and shakes her fist at him. "Young man,I may be old,and straight from the hills,but that don't mean I'm stupid! I paid good money,and this room won't do at all! It's too small,and without proper ventilation! Why there's not even a bed!" The bellhop looks at her and says,"Ma'am,this isn't your room,it's the elevator."
A man on a bike,carring two sacks on his shoulders,was stopped by a guard while crossing the US-Mexican border. "What's in the bags?"asked the guard. "Sand,"the cyclist replied. "Get them off. We need to take a look." The guard emptied the bags and found out they contained nothing but sand. The man reloaded his bags and continued across the border. A week later,the same man was crossing again with two more bags. The guard demanded to see them,and again they contained nothing but sand. This continued every y week for six months,untill one day the cyclist failed to appear. A fewdays later,that same guard ran into the cyclist in the city. "Hey,where have you been?"the guard asked. "You sure had us wondering! We knew you were smuggling something accross the border. So tell me and I won't say a word. What was that?" The man smiled and told him the truth. "Bicycles!"
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger said, " I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die" So he took the first pack and left the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former president of the United States, I am also the most ambitious woman in the world and I am a New York Senator and a potential future president."
She just took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, George W. Bush, said: "I'm President of the United States of America, I have a great responsibility being the leader of a superpower nation. And above all I'm the cleverest President in American history, so America's people won't let me die." So he put on the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.
The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year-old school boy, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, as a Catholic I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The boy said, "It's OK, there's a parachute left for you.
America's cleverest President has taken my schoolbag."
MS vs. GM At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" 1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too. 4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads. 6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower. 7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off. 10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy.
St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one really good deed--you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em ripping the clothes off this terrified young woman.
Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a Huge Guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, impressed, says, "Really? When did this happen?"
Letter To Mummy A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. Fearing the worst, she reads it with trembling hand:
Dear Mam,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercings, scars and tattoos, and his big motorcycle. But it's not only that Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want. In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find The AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry about our money situation, Ahmed has arranged for me to appear in certain films that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their basement. Apparently I can earn £50 per scene. I get a £50 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene and an extra £100 if they use the horse. Don't worry Mom, I'm 17 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'll visit you so that you can meet your grandchildren.
Your daughter, Judith
PS: Mam, it's not true. I'm down Donna's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than denting a car. Sorry about your BMW, I love you!
One cold winter morning when Richard Nixon woke up to a heavy snowfall, he saw somebody had vandalized his garden with a nasty graffiti with pissing on the snow.
It said; “NIXON IS A LOSER.”
Going mad like hell, Nixon immediately ordered the CIA to conduct a DNA search from the urine specimen on every possible suspect including very high officials close to him.
A few days later, an inspector came up for reporting.
“Sir, we have found out that the urine specimen left on the snow belonged to Henry Kissinger.”
“Kissinger!? That bastard, I knew only that guy would do this! Call him up right now!”
“I’m afraid there’s more, sir. It has been also discovered that the handwriting belonged to your wife.”
One day in a medical school lecture, a professor asked a female student a question. “Name a human organ that enlarges up to 6 times as normal, under given condition. Also, describe the condition when such case happens.” The female student blushed but managed herself to speak out somewhat calmly. “This is not an appropriate question to be asked in a classroom. I will report about this matter to the school administrator.” The professor, giving her no notice, re-directed the question to another female student. The student answered confidently. “That is the pupil. It expands when dark.” “Right.” answers the professor, turning back to the first student, and says “I would like to say something to you, young lady. First, you must concentrate on the lecture. Second, your mind is lustful. Third, don’t expect that it will enlarge six times as it is, otherwise you'll get awfully disappointed.”
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"
A bus carrying only ugly people is involved in a crash, and everyone on the bus dies. They go to Heaven. Because of the grief they have suffered. God decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is.
The person answers, "I want to be beautiful," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line sees this and says, "I want to be beautiful too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while, but when God is halfway down the line, the last person in line starts laughing. When there are only about ten people left, this man is rolling on the floor, laughing uncontrollably.
Finally, God gets to the end of the line and asks the laughing man what his wish will be. The man eventually catches his breath, and says: "Make 'em all ugly again".
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Bob is an individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be classified as a high-caliber employee, the type that cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible.
Regards, Project Leader
Keep Reading...
Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the Project Leader:
Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines of my assessment.
"Excuse me, where is the library at?" "Here at Cambridge, we never end a sentence with a preposition." "All right. Excuse me, where is the library at, asshole?"
There were two friends, hiking in the woods. They hiking along, suddenly they've seen a huge grizzly bear. And the bear goes upon his behind legs. It brawled that means it going to eat them.
So, one friend said to the other friend, he said "Boy, am I glad that I wore good running shoes today."
And the other guy said, "Are you not. There's no way that you can outrun the bear", "You can't run faster than the big bear."
And his friend said, "It doesn't matter, I only need to outrun you."
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
A local florist just went out of business, but it was his own fault.
He kept getting his orders mixed up. One woman received flowers sent by her husband, who was at a business meeting in Florida. She was perplexed by the message on her card: "Our deepest sympathy."
But she was not nearly as surprised as the woman whose husband had just passed away. Her card read, "Hotter here than I expected. Too bad you didn't come too."
Q:What is it awful to be an egg? A: 1.You only get laid once. 2.The only one who ever sits on your face is your own mother. 3.It takes three minutes to get hard. 4.You come in a box with eleven others.
Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the edge of Westerham. Suddenly a brand new BMW screeches to a halt. The driver, Colin Clark dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the shepherd, "If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?" The shepherd looks at Clarky, then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies, "Okay."
Colin parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer. He turns to the shepherd and says,"You have exactly 1,586 sheep here." The shepherd answers, "That's correct, you can have your sheep." Colin takes an animal and puts it in the back of his BMW.
The shepherd looks at him and asks, "If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?" GI answers, "Yes, why not?" The shepherd says, "You are a consultant." "How did you know?" asks Colin.
"Very simple," answers the shepherd. "First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, and third, you don't understand anything about my business. Now can I have my dog back?"
A woman says to her husband, "Honey, I tried to turn that lamp on and it didn't work. Could you take a look at it? The husband sarcastically replies, "Do I look like an electrician?"
The next day the woman is doing the dishes and she says to her husband, "Honey, could you do something about this drain? It's starting to get stopped up." The husband sneers, "Do I look like a plumber?"
When the husband comes home on the third day, everything is workng. The lamp is shining brightly, the drain is unclogged. He says to his wife, "Hey, what happened?"
The wife answers, "Oh, the superintendent took care of it." "That's great!" says the husband. "What did he charge us?" "Nothing." "He did all this work for nothing?" asks the husband. "Didn't he want something?" "Well, he gave me a choice," explains the wife. "He said that I could either bake him a cake or screw him." "So what kind of cake did you make?" the husband asks. The wife says, "Do I look like a baker?"
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds"?
A famous hypnotist was performing in a large auditorium full of people one night. He began to speak in a soft and steady voice over the loud- speaker system. "Listen to the sound of my voice...", he kept repeating, "the sound of my voice... every word is a command... the sound of my voice..."
Pretty soon, he had every single person in the audience completely mesmerized, each one hanging on his every word. Needing to take a quick piss, he announced "I will have to leave the stage for a moment, but you will all remain in a trance while I am gone" And then he repeated the words "the sound of my voice... every word is a command."
As he turned to go, he tripped over the microphone cord, landed on his ass, and yelled "SHIT!".
Symptom:Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear. Problem:Glass empty. Action Required:Find someone who will buy you another beer.
Symptom:Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet. Fault:Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face. Action Required:Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique. -- Bar Troubleshooting
A high shcool boy approached the college girl on the dance floor, and he said, "Shall we dannce?" The girl said, "I'm sorry.I couldn't dance with a child." Then the boy said sarcastically, "Oh,I'm sorry.I didn't know you're pregnant"
A Texan is visiting Australia for the first time. He sees a sheep and starts laughing; he says to his Australian guide "Oh, at home in Texas, sheep are twice as big!" He then sees a cow and said"Puff, in Texas, our cows are much, much bigger!" And suddenly, he sees a kangaroo and asks, "What's that?" the guide answers "Oh, that's just a grasshopper..."
Three old men were sitting on a bench in Florida when a reporter approached them. "I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell us your secret to long life, " the reported asked. The three old men agreed. The first old man was asked his secret to his long life. "I never drank alcohol, I never smoked tobacco and I have been married to the same woman for fifty years." "Wow, thats really remarkable!" said the reporter. "And how old are you?" he asked the second man. "I'm 93", said the man. The second man was asked the same question on his secret to long life. "I drank on occasion, I smoked, but not often and I dated some." "And how old are you?" asked the reporter. "I'm 91", said the old man. Finally, the reporter approached the third old man and asked his secret to a long life. "I dated every woman that would go out with me, I drank until I passed out and I smoked three packs of cigarettes a day." "Wow!" said the reporter. "And how old are you?" "29," replied the man.
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favor of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replased with the 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20% shorter!
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double leters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' wiz 'v'. During ze fifz year ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kurs be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After ze fifz yer ve vil hav a rali sensibl ritn styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evriun vil find it ezi tu undrstand ech ozer.
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down. A monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the pint. The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies, "The piano player."
The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer?" The pianist replies, "No, but if you hum a few bars I'll fake it."
Five blondes go into a bar and one of them says to the bartender, "A round of drinks for me and my friends." They get their drinks and the raise their glasses to a toast of, "To 51 days!" and they drink.
The "head blonde" asks the bartender to set them up again. Again, the blondes toast "To 51 days!" and they drink.
After they order a third round, the bartender says that he has to ask what the toast means.
The head blonde says, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. On the box it said, "two to four years" and we finished it in 51 days".
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest player in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, and Germany doesn't want to go to war.
Can I please have things back the way they used to be?
President Bush launched a PR campaign to improve his image and popularity. He decided to visit a primary school so he could explain to the children his policy. After explaining his policy to them, the president asks the children if they have any questions. Little Stevie raises his hand and says, "Mr. President, I have three questions:
"1. How did you have fewer votes but were still elected president? "2. Why do you want to attack Iraq with no motive? "3. Don't you think Hiroshima was the biggest terrorist attack in history?"
At that moment, the bell rang, and the children ran outside to play. At the end of the break the children returned and Bush asked the children if they had any questions. Little Eddie raises his hand and says, "Mr. President, I have five questions:
"1. How did you have fewer votes but were still elected president? "2. Why do you want to attack Iraq with no motive? "3. Don't you think Hiroshima was the biggest terrorist attack in history? "4. Why did the bell ring 20 minutes too early? "5. Where is Stevie?"
According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."
A boy is watching television and hears the name Jesus Christ. Wondering who Jesus Christ is, he asks his mother. She tells him that she is busy, and to ask his father. His father is also busy so he asks his brother. His brother kicks him out of the room because he doesn't have time to answer his stupid questions, so he goes downtown and sees a bum in an alley.
He asks the bum, "Who's Jesus Christ?" and the bum replies, "Well, I am."
The boy, not believing the bum, asks for proof. So the bum takes the boy into the bar down the street and takes him inside. They walk up to the bar and the bartender exclaims, "Jesus Christ, are you in here again?"
A businessman from Wisconsin took a business trip to Louisiana.
Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a short E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnston, at her address, [email protected].
Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter in the e-dress, and the E-mail ended up going to [email protected]. This belonged to a Jean Johnson of Duluth Min., the widow of a preacher who had just passed away and had been buried earlier that day.
The preacher's wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly fainted.
It read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of holiday shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a purse, the owner didn't have any change for a reward."
Nine year old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie - talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
A computer was something on TV / from a science fiction show of note a window was something you hated to clean... / And ram was the cousin of a goat....
Meg was the name of my girlfriend / and gig was a job for the nights now they all mean different things / and that really mega bytes
An application was for employment / a program was a TV show a cursor used profanity / a keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age / a cd was a bank account and if you had a 3 1/2" floppy / you hoped nobody found out
Compress was something you did to the garbage / not something you did to a file and if you unzipped anything in public / you'd be in jail for a while
Log on was adding wood to the fire / hard drive was a long trip on the road a mouse pad was where a mouse lived / and a backup happened to your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife / paste you did with glue a web was a spider's home / and a virus was the flu
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper / and the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash / but when it happens they wish they were dead
Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?
Helpline: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?
Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.
Helpline: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?
Caller: It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it.
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"
A man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the General panting, he asked them why they were late. They all had the same story.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."
"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."
"No, sir," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p. m. when he found the CEO (=Chief Executive Officer) standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorilla's skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.
Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around.
During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"
One day, a sign appeared in an office window. It read: "Help wanted. Must type 70 words a minute. Must be computer literate. Must be bilingual. An equal opportunity employer."
A dog ambling down the street, saw the sign, walked in, and applied for the job. The office manager said, "I can't hire a dog for this job." The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer."
So the manager said, "OK, take this letter and type it." The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted. The manager said, "Here's a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it." Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.
The manager still wasn't convinced. "I can't hire a dog for this position. You've got to be bilingual." The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax and - OH MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel, where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Conventions. More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?"
The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."
The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four."
The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor when the nurse walked out and said to a man sitting there, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!" The man replied, "How about that! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mrs. Smith had just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for 3M!"
When the nurse appeared next, she told the third man that his wife had given birth to quadruplets. "That's amazing! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"
At this point the gentleman sitting next to me let out a little strangled gasp and hurriedly got up, obviously distraught. When I asked him if he was okay, he explained, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I'm the casting director for 101 Dalmatians."
Mrs. Watson was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. "The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When Mrs. Watson returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly twenty pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" Mrs. Watson nodded.
"I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?"
Clinton, distraught and contemplating his latest scandal, was walking through Washington looking for any kind of guidance. He walks up to the Washington Monument, looks up and says, "George, you were always wise, what should I do?"
Lo and behold, a voice comes down from above and says, "ABOLISH THE I.R.S. AND START OVER." Clinton, amazed that he is talking to the past President, thinks he'll try it again.
He walks over to the Jefferson Memorial and utters the same request to America's author of the Declaration of Independence and one of its great early philosophers. "Thomas, you never had these kind of problems, what can I do to rally people behind me?"
Again a voice from above answers, "WELFARE, ITS NOT WORKING, ABOLISH IT, START OVER."
After hearing this, Clinton is so excited he is planning to go to all the historic sites for guidance. Next he goes to the Lincoln Memorial for guidance from the President who met his untimely death after winning the Civil War and keeping the country unified. "Abe, I need your help, people are losing confidence in me and they no longer trust me. What should I do?"
After a substantial pause Abe responds, "TAKE THE DAY OFF AND GO TO THE THEATER."
Ending his sermon, a preacher announced that he would preach on Noah and the Ark on the following Sunday, and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time.
A couple of boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together.
The next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. "Noah took unto himself a wife," he began, "and she was" - he turned the page to continue -"three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high."
He paused, scratched his head, turned the page back, read it silently, and turned the page again. Then he looked up at his congregation and said, "I've been reading this old Bible for nealy fifty years, but there are some things in it that are hard to believe."
Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter.
"When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?", asks St. Peter.
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say......
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, the dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"
A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and ask if this is it.
God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc.
She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.
An English teacher at Iowa State University spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors in her students' written work. She wasn't sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples.
A student asked, "What's the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?"
"Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.
After a slight pause the student tried again, "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter... ?"
The junior high school principal had a problem with some girls who were starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would blot their lips on the mirrors, leaving lip prints.
So he spoke to the teachers and asked them for their help. They promised they would speak to the girls, but after two weeks, the situation didn't improve at all.
He even called a few of the girls' parents who were his friends for their advice, but to no avail. The mirrors were constantly a mess.
Finally he thought of a way to stop it. One day he gathered together all the girls who wore lipstick. He then took them into the bathroom and lectured about how hard it was to clean the lipstick off the mirrors.
You could see the young girls smiling at each other, all nodding publicly but smirking to one another.
The principal then asked the custodian, who was present, to demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors.
The custodian took a long handled brush, dipped it into the toilet and vigorously rubbed the lipstick off the mirror.
From that day on, the mirrors stayed lipstick free.
Two guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were doing well in the class and thought that going into the final they had a solid "A". They were so confident that the weekend before finals week, they went to the University of Tennessee to party with some friends.
They had a great time. However, with hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Alabama until early Monday morning, the day of the exam.
Rather than taking the final then, they found their professor after the final to explain to him why they missed the final.
They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus.
The professor told them they could make up the final on the following day. They were elated and relieved. At the final, the professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
The first problem, worth 5 Points, was something simple about Molarity & Solutions. "Cool," they thought.
This is going to be easy."
The next problem was worth 95 Points. It asked: "Which tire?"
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.
He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says, "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He turns beet red in horror and goes, "Jeez, oh, er...I..."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
A man goes to the doctor and he has a banana sticking out of each ear and corn in his nose. He says, "Doc, I don't feel well" and the doctor replies "Well, you're not eating right!"
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady .... well, I am in sales also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."
"No I wouldn't," he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.
"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampax."
With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy, Johnny. The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a bush fan." The teacher says, "Why aren't you a bush fan?"
Johnny says, "I'm an Al Gore fan."
The teacher asks why he's an Al Gore fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's an Al Gore fan and my dad's an Al Gore fan, so I'm an Al Gore fan!" The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if you're mom was a moron and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to 'enforce the laws pending.' He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, 'Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?'
The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, 'This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?'
The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, 'This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?'
The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, 'This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?'
Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, 'You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?'
The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said 'You're so smart, YOU tell ME!'
"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.
"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
"Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
A gentleman is sitting on a deserted beach watching the sunset when he notices something half buried in the sand. He pulls it out and sees that it is a heavy, jewel encrusted bottle. As he brushes off the sand, the bottle begins to shake and emit various coloured clouds of smoke, then...POOF! A Genie appears from out of the bottle (how did we know?).
The Genie lavishes praise on the man, regales him with his story, and finally gets around to the 'you have three wishes' part of the tale.
So the guy thinks about it for awhile and says "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I am afraid to fly and afraid to go on a boat, so for my first wish I want a highway from here to Hawaii".
The Genie at first is amazed at the character of the man and ask instead if he would not want "all the money...fame...glory...vast amounts of property...yadda yadda. Nope, wish one is for the highway.
The Genie tells him that doing something like that borders almost on the impossible. The time, resources, and energy required to fulfil such a wish would most likely leave the Genie drained for thousands of years... is there something else, anything - even wishing for more wishes - that he might want?
The man again pauses and thinks for awhile then says "Well, I have always wanted to understand women" The Genie replies, "So this highway, did you want two lanes or four"?