ほとんど考えずに作文してみましたが、どこが改善できるでしょうか? ミスがあったら、ご指摘お願いします。 One of the most critical problems in the advanced countries today is that acturally people in those countries have lost the target, or direction to go forward, or to head. It may be quite fair to say that people in those countries achieved the maximum or optimum in terms of materialistic prosperity. We no longer need more convenient system, appliances and lifestyles. In ancient world, small portion of the people at the top of the hierarchy might have achieved such an optimum, or maximum of prosperity, but ordinary people remainded poor as they had been. However, glancing the present advanced countries, the people as a whole are experiencing a sort of optimum or maximum of civilization in terms of prosperity. That achievement actually caused a void in the people's heart. These arguments leads us to realized that what we truly need is an objective, or target to fulfill. This means, we need to have a dream, quite common dream among people in advanced countries.
ミスとして気づいたのはこれだけです。 acturally -> actually remainded -> remained fulfill -> fulfil These arguments leads us to realized that ... -> These arguments lead us to realize that ...
acturally -> actually We no longer need -> They no longer need remainded -> remained fulfill -> fulfil These arguments leads us to realized that ... -> These arguments lead us to realize that ...
line1 the advanced countries のthe は具体的に示してないし人によってとらえかたにもはばがあるのでここでは advenst countries line3 to go forward とto headは同意なのでredundant line4 maximum or optimum ? line8 prosperityは文明全体としてなされるもので内容からして不適当 line11 experience...civilization in terms ...の表現は変 line14 fulfill ? line15 quite common dream 意味がはっきりしない in advanced countriesはin the (those) advenced countries と思います
こんなんどう? One of the most critical problems in (advanced countries) today is that actually people in those countries have lost the target, or direction to go forward, or to head. It may be quite fair to say that people in those countries achieved the maximum or optimum in terms of materialistic prosperity. We no longer need more convenient system, appliances and lifestyles. In ancient world, small portion of the people at the top of the hierarchy might have achieved such an optimum, or maximum of prosperity, but ordinary people remainded poor as they had been. However, glancing the present advanced countries, the people as a whole are experiencing a sort of optimum or maximum of civilization in terms of prosperity. That achievement actually caused a void in the people's heart. These arguments leads us to realized that what we truly need is an objective, or target to fulfill. This means, we need to have a dream, quite common dream among people in advanced countries.
間違えた! こんなんどう? One of the most critical problems in (advanced countries) today is that actually people in those countries have lost (targets, or directions to go forward( ). It may be quite fair to say that people in those countries achieved the maximum or optimum (quality of life) in terms of materialistic (perspective). We no longer need ( system, appliances, etc which provide us with more convenient lifestyles). In ancient world, (only) small portion of the people at the top (in) the hierarchy might have (enjoyed) such an optimum, or maximum (lifestyle), but ordinary people remained poor as they had been. However, glancing the present advanced countries, the people as a whole are experiencing a sort of optimum or maximum (quality of life) in (our material world). That achievement actually caused a void in the people's heart. These arguments (have led) us to realized that what we truly need is (other/different objectives), or (targets) to fulfill. (I hope we will have common goal/dream which we can share with whole people not only in the advanced countries but also in the other).
One of the most critical problems today is that people in developed countries have lost their dreams. In the past, ordinary people were poor, but they had dreams. With these dreams, they accomplished the prosperity the modern world has been enjoying. People would not need any more materialistic things, but they cannot live only on such things. They do need the dreams again which they have lost in exchange for the wealth.
People in prehistoric world, say hunter-gatherers in ice age, could have enjoyed never changing life, where the lifestyle, tools, and equipments remained all the same from generation to generation. In such communities, old people could die with satsifaction that they had experienced everything they could have imagin. Modern world however, is ever changing. People are always expecting something new, or to say, too used to ever changing environment, system and lifestyle. Death for us is just a miserable interruption of life which would further make a progress, although people are aware of the fact that we have already achieved the optimum of prosperity. People in modern advanced countries are ever demanding something new, while they have lost the direction to head. This is the actual cause for miserable cases, murders and suicides getting more and more common in Japan these days.
こんなんどうだ? One of the most critical problems today is that people in developed countries have lost their dreams. In the past, ordinary people (in those countries) were poor, but they had dreams. (Having these dreams in their mind), they (have achieved) the prosperity (the people in) the modern world has been enjoying. People would not need any more materialistic (developments), (and such things are not essential for us to live). (We don’t need luxuries but dreams which we have lost in exchange for them.)
Death for us is just a miserable interruption of life which would further make a progress, although people are aware of the fact that we have already achieved the optimum of prosperity. どんな気持ち伝えてんねん?
death は自分か他人かはっきりしないと重要な違いになるからここでは Even death (of others) is just a miserable (moment in our life) which would (make us further progress 人の死でさえ自分を向上させる単なる悲しい瞬間 って感じ? これならでも一部の人だけであって自分は違うよ、ってこと含みたいから for some peopleをどっかいれたいね
こんなんでどうっすか? People in prehistoric world, say hunter-gatherers in ice age, could have enjoyed never changing life, where the lifestyle, tools, and equipments remained all the same from generation to generation. In such communities, old people could die with (satisfaction that came from their experience they could have remembered). Modern world however, is ever changing. People are always expecting something new, (or, say,) too used to ever changing environment, system and lifestyle. Even death (of others) is just miserable (moments in our life) which would (make us further progress, although people are aware of the fact that we have already achieved the optimum of prosperity. People in (the) modern (and) advanced countries are (ever-demanding.) (They/We want always something new, while they have lost the direction to head. This, in my opinion, is the actual cause for miserable cases, murders and suicides getting more ( ) common in Japan these days. 内容が深くて考えました 寝まーす。