Short Essayを書いて俺が判定するスレ

＜ショートエッセイルール＞
・10行以内。
・文法は厳しくは問わず、内容がいかに伝わるかを重視する。
・題はフリーだが、Persuasive, Informative, Entertainmentのいづれかを選択。
・判定は100点満点で下される。尚、判定基準として、
Humor(ま、要するにユーモア性)
Appropriate Word Choice(ワードチョイスの良し悪し)
Impact,Enthusiasm(力強さというか、描写の鋭さ)
Hunch(直感的なものです。ここで多少独断が入るよ)
Grammar(文法)
計５種類各々20点ずつで判定。
・宿題に利用して成績が悪くなっても責任は一切負いません。
・書式はほぼフリーだが、以下のように目的(Persuasive,Informative,Entertainment)
　をはっきり書くこと。
(e.g.)
Informative
One of my pet peeves happens in a motel a couple of days ago. To pop out my sleepy mind,
I felt like I would like to get a cup of joe. So as I usually do, came up to a bending machine,
inserted coins, pushed the buttons, and the coffee was pouring down.
But a cup did NOT come out. I couldn't help to imagin like machine administrators occasionally
make us to drink coffee without a cup, or by scooping up the scolding coffee with our hands.
Then it pissed me off, though.
ではどうぞ
>>2-999

余裕で3get

1000!!!

Short Essayを書いて俺が判定するスレ

ｺﾝﾆﾁﾜ。マルチポストでごめんなさい。(´･ω･`)ﾀﾉﾓｳ

【　Goog-bye Mr.Ikariya (informative) 】
When I was a kid, I'd watched the TV show "８時だよ！全員集合" every Saturday night.
Had you been doing so？ Was it Saturday night？ Aren't you a Japanese？
For Japanase "８時だよ！全員集合" is equal to "Saturday Night Live" for Americans.
ザ・ドリフターズ(The Drifters) welcomed guest singers every week, and this variety show went on.
Don't you know The Drifters is more famous than The Beatles in Japan.
Mr. Ikariya is the leader of The Drifters. He has gone without saying good-bye.
-
Here lies a good comedian who was good at train members and many kids.
He loved African good earth. He was loved by African good people.
The LORD has taken his soul away over the top of mount Kilimanjaro.

>>5

>"８時だよ！全員集合", "The Drifters"
such proper nouns shoule be restated and explained in english that english people
would figure out. Drifters exactry means like beggars or dead person.

>"Had you been doing so？ Was it Saturday night？ Aren't you a Japanese？"
the question is a little confusing, but question is one of the good introduction
to attract reader's attention.

>ザ・ドリフターズ(The Drifters) welcomed guest singers every week, and this variety show went on.
you better to alternate 'welcomed' with like invite or have in because it's not an apropriate word.

>He loved African good earth. He was loved by African good people.
i have no idea what you are saying here. please clarify what is African good people?
even it indicates "good African people," it's still necessary to be explained concisely.

>The LORD has taken his soul away over the top of mount Kilimanjaro.
good.

Hr(Humor) -- 7 not bad, but you should be able to make it more attractive.
Wd(Word Choice) -- 14
Im(Impact) -- 11 need some more materials startling the readers
Hc(Hunch) -- 10
Gr(Grammar) -- 18 good.
Total: 60 pts.

>>6
> such proper nouns shoule be restated and explained in english that english people
> would figure out. Drifters exactry means like beggars or dead person.

おいおい、固有名詞に説明かよ。なんて傲慢なんだろう。
とりあえず「ジョン」を日本語で説明してくれ。日本人にもわかるように。

>>7
問題を履き違えているだけ。
固有名詞には説明が要るものと要らないものがあるのは自明。
ジョンは固有名詞だが「人名」という説明（本来それすら要らない）で理解ができる。
また、Beatles程世界的に有名ならともかく、Driftersに何の説明もないのは多少無理がある。
which is a comedian group in Japan. 位の説明は欲しい。
それよりもほとんどのアメリカ人は "８時だよ！全員集合" を読めないのを留意して欲しいが。

それと多少傲慢になるのはジャッジする側としては止むを得ないことでは？
それがいやなら来なければいい。

>>8
まず第一に、対象になっているのは"The Drifters"であり、"Drifters"ではない。
固有名詞は正確に。

> また、Beatles程世界的に有名ならともかく、Driftersに何の説明もないのは多少無理がある。

はあ？>>5ではちゃんと説明されているだろう。
Saturday Night Liveさえ知っていれば、"The Drifters"がコメディアングループだ
ということは明白だ。

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│　ヌケド　 　| ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;!;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;|O;;;;;;;|;;;;|;;;;;;;;!
├───‐─┴─────────────────────────────
│>>9よ、"be humble. that's why you were rated at 60"という言葉を知らんのか？
└───────────────────────────────────

　　　　　　　 　　　 ,.．-──- ､
　　 　　　　　　 ／. : : : : : : : : : ＼
　　　 　　　　 /.: : : : : : : : : : : : : : ヽ
　　　　 　　　,!::: : : :,-…-…-ミ: : : : :',
　　　　　 　　{:: : : : :i '⌒'　 '⌒' i: : : : :}
　　　　　　 　{:: : : : |　ｪｪ　 ｪｪ　|: : : : :}
　　　　　. 　　{ : : : :|　　　,.、 　 |:: : : :;!
　　　　　　 　.ヾ: :: :i　r‐-ﾆ-┐ | : : :ﾉ
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　　　　　　　　　　入　` ｰ一'´<
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│　ヌケド　 　| ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;!;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;|O;;;;;;;|;;;;|;;;;;;;;!
├───‐─┴─────────────────────────────
│>>9よ、"be humble. that's why you were rated at 60"という言葉を知らんのか？
└───────────────────────────────────

>>10-11
悪いけど、俺は>>5じゃないよ。
どうもピントが外れたcritiquingしてる香具師がいたから口を挟んでみただけ。

>>7-9
確かに。
>Here lies a good comedian who was good at train members and many kids.

これは俺のミス。すまん。

>>5
Wd - 16
Total: 62

Thanks a lot for your recorrection, Mr. Hanzer.
And for your cheering, Mr.7.
I want to write my essay Japanese realia to the world.
(｀･ω･´)I try again.
Sorry for over 10 lines.
On last 3 lines, I want to write a rhyme like a epitaph.
But I can not.(´･ω･`)
=
【　Goog-bye Mr.Ikariya (informative) 】(´･ω･`)wee-weee-wee
When I was a kid, every Saturday night I'd watched the show "８時だよ！全員集合（はちじだよ！ぜんいんしゅうごう）
（It means "Let's together every Saturday night") " which one of the most popular variety TV programs in this 5 decades
on Japan that continued for 16 years, and the audience ratings of it recorded over 50% 8 times.
Had you been doing so, too？ Because it was Saturday night！ Why not? Aren't you a Japanese？
For Japanase "８時だよ！全員集合" is equal to "Saturday Night Live" for Americans.
ザ・ドリフターズ(The Drifters) famous comedians' group had been a host on that show, and welcomed guests popular singers
in that days every week, and played sitcoms together.
Don't you know The Drifters is more famous than The Beatles in Japan.
Mr. Ikariya is the leader of The Drifters. He has gone without saying good-bye.
-
Here lies a good comedian who was good at train members and many kids.
He loved African good earth, African people, and he was loved by African people, too.
The LORD has taken his soul away over the top of mount Kilimanjaro.

recorrections

cheerings

an epitaph

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　　/　　／　 i"　i,　..:　 /　　/　 ヽ-､
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土曜日あげ

【 The sorrow of having hemorrhoids (Entertainment)】(´･ω･`)ﾀﾉﾓｰ

My father had been having piles 20 years.
And you, too, my younger brother！　(´･ω･`)
For Japanese having piles is very shameful.
Being a piler is must be musked because it means losing his(her) MENTU in Japan.
He(She) who has piles has little sympathizer.
Japanese has pilers in derision in spite of they are in ill.
I remember my father's back spreading a chemical on a soft cloth, and saying,
"when it rains, I fell VERY pain."
And your father, too！
We must be filial.

>>20
more than が抜けてしまいましたので訂正させて下さい。

【 The sorrow of having hemorrhoids 】(´･ω･`)
My father had been having piles more than 20 years.
And you, too, my younger brother！　(´･ω･`)
For Japanese having piles is very shameful.
Being a piler is must be musked because it means losing his(her) MENTU in Japan.
He(She) who has piles has little sympathizer.
Japanese has pilers in derision in spite of they are in ill.
I remember my father's back spreading a chemical on a soft cloth, and saying,
"when it rains, I fell VERY pain."
And your father, too！
We must be filial.

日曜アゲ。よろしくお願いします。
今日はトーイックを受けてくるよ。

masked を musked と打ってしまいましたので、訂正させて下さい。
-
【 The sorrow of having hemorrhoids (Entertainment) 】(´･ω･`)ﾀﾉﾓｰ
My father had been having piles more than 20 years.
And you, too, my younger brother！　(´･ω･`)
For Japanese having piles is very shameful.
Being a piler is must be masked because it means losing his(her) MENTU in Japan.
He(She) who has piles has little sympathizer.
Japanese has pilers in derision in spite of they are in ill.
I remember my father's back spreading a chemical on a soft cloth, and saying,
"when it rains, I fell VERY pain."
And your father, too！
We must be filial.

ほしゅ

休日あげ

【 The cherry blossoms (Entertainment) 】(´･ω･`)ﾀﾉﾓｰ

The Japanese has liked cherry blossoms.
We see the ephemerality that we are like a mayfly, so we really knows they are beautiful.
Do you know the waka poetry? On it "花(flowers)" means not any flowers but cherry blossoms.
It is a springly day. You should go out to see sakura(cherry blosssoms) to a near park.
Many Japanese persons maybe drinking beer and sake and looking sakura on spreaded blue sheets.
They are having ohanami. Do you want to join them?
You should breathe the air of spring in, and make greeting to them,
"Hi, we came from overseas. （ｺﾝﾆﾁﾜ。外国から来ました。）"
It is a spring day. It showers cherry blossoms' petals on you.

おはようあげ

ほしゅ

うんこって臭いよね。

>>29
くさいからうんこなのです。
ビクリした。君はブルートだろう？
それとも名前欄にタグを埋め込むのか？
同一ではないよ。◇が白抜きだし、アルファベットが太字になってるもん。
しかしすごいなぁ。悪さしないでね。

保守あげ

ユーが誰なのかわかった土曜日の午後。

"Give me the fortune, keep the fame," said my man Louis
I agreed, know what he mean because we live the truest lie
I asked him why we follow the law of the bluest eye
He looked at me, he thought about it
Was like, "I'm clueless, why?"

>>26

>The Japanese has liked cherry blossoms.
has liked -> like でいいです。
>We see the ephemerality that we are like a mayfly, so we really knows they are beautiful.
意味が不明確です。
>Do you know the waka poetry? On it "花(flowers)" means not any flowers but cherry blossoms.
ここでは和歌を知る知らないにかかわらず引用をしてるので、
"Japanese-poem says"とか"In accordance of tanka"の方がリズムが良くて分かりやすいと思います。
あと文頭でon itは使いません。
>It is a springly day. You should go out to see sakura(cherry blosssoms) to a near park.
"On a spring day,"です。
>Many Japanese persons maybe drinking beer and sake and looking sakura on spreaded blue sheets.
"Many Japnaese people may be"です。may beと違ってmaybeはconjunctionですからこういう風には使えません。
"drinking beer and Sake, and looking"とコンマを入れて文の繋ぎをハッキリさせる必要があります。
またSakeは大文字にした方がsakeと区別がついて分かり易いです。
>You should breathe the air of spring in, and make greeting to them,
>"Hi, we came from overseas. （ｺﾝﾆﾁﾜ。外国から来ました。）"
"breath in the air of spring"です。コンマで一回切る場合、", and should make"という風に
原則的にshouldや, may, mustを含めた動詞全てを書きます。
>It is a spring day. It showers cherry blossoms' petals on you.
"It is a spring day"は要りません。"Fluttering petals shower on you"です。

Hr(Humor) -- 10
Wd(Word Choice) -- 9
Im(Impact) -- 13
Hc(Hunch) -- 8
Gr(Grammar) -- 12
Total: 52 pts.

>>33
サボらずに>>23も添削しろや、ｶｽが。

【 Horseradish (Informative) 】(´･ω･`)ﾀﾉﾓｰ　ttp://www.tabinet-jp.com/erea/01azumino.htm

Did you jump into that website？ There is a beautiful image of a water mill of DAIOU WASABI FARM.
Have you ever watched the Kurosawa picture [ Dreams ]？
At that farm Kurosawa pictured beautiful scenes.
Do you know WASABI？ WASABI is horseradish.
We like SUSHI. We like SASHIMI. So We like WASABI！
The flowers of horseradish are tiny and white.
They are in full bloom now.
And wild horseradishes are in the clear running stream.
It is chilly yet and your trousers cuffs maybe get wet,
and maybe you feel the stones in the stream bed are round and smooth.

>>33

Thanks for your kindly advices！
勉強になります。

>>1
糞ｽﾚ立て逃げｽﾝﾅﾖ。W

ほしゅ

>>36
関係ないが advice は不可算じゃなかったか？
tips ならいいと思うが。

確かに、辞書をひいたら [ U ] となっておりました…。
ちゃんくす　あ　ろ。
でも、間違うことをおそれない自分でいたい。

あげ。

kindlyに形容詞の用法何てあったっけ？

>>42

このスレは、[ 文法は厳しくは問わず ] だもん。(ｳｲﾝｸ
でも、kindly doctor で検索すると、hit しますよ。
小生には、文法はまだ早いです。

【 The dust (Informative) 】(´･ω･`)ﾀﾉﾓｰ

I have discreation to say to the boy lost his grandpa that he is
easy going in heaven.
I will encourage him.
But, honestly say, I think that heaven that there is nowhere.
We shall return to dust or smoke. Is there life after death？ NO！
I think when someone dies, it was left the power which curse on others;
and it wanders around.
But I think heaven is nowhere.
There are heavens and hells in THIS real world.
So we must be out of fear to change our world.

(´･ω･`)zzz

>>44

I have (discreation to say to)?? the boy lost his grandpa (that he is
easy going in heaven)??.

>>I think when someone dies, (it was left the power which curse on others;
>>and it wanders around).
only the power of curse is left that will be invoked and sweared at
people.て意味かな？

Humor: 10　面白いといえば面白い？
Appropriate Word Choice: 6　どっかの日本人中学生が書いた英文があったかと思えば、
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　聖書で見るような表現が混ぜてあったりしてものすごく不自然です。
Impact,Enthusiasm: 10
Hunch: 6
Grammar: 15
Total: 47　全体的にあんまり言いたい事が伝わってきません。ナチュラルに自分の言葉で言いたいことを書けばいいよ。
　　　　　　ぎこちない表現を使ってるよ。

>>23

>>(Being a X) piler (is X) must be masked because it means losing his(her) MENTU in Japan.
>>He(She) who has piles has little sympathizer.

>>Japanese (has X)lie pilers in derision in spite of (they are in X)their ill.

I remember my father's back spreading a chemical (on X)underneath a soft cloth(,X) and saying,
"when it rains, I fell VERY pain."
And your father, too！

>>We must be filial.
We must honor our father.かもしくは We must do our filial duty.

Humor: 12
Appropriate Word Choice: 15
Impact,Enthusiasm: 14
Hunch: 14
Grammar: 10
Total: 65　ちょい分かりにくいとこありますが、そこまで悪くないと思います。

とりあえず>>1は文法の勉強しる！

>>46
>>47
>>48

どうもありがとうございます。

ほしゅ

Entertainment

I used to have a dog and take him for a walk at night.
Since I tried to be efficient and make the most of the time during
walking with him, I listented to English recorded on MD by Walkman.
I would mumble english as I walked. When I was bored with listening
to English, I would sing a song aloud. One night, I was singing Enka,
which could be equivalent to country & western at the top of my lungs.
Singing Enka around my age is uncommon and is never considered to be
cool in any way. That's when a cute girl with her dog popped up from
nowhere in the dark giving me a dirty look. That was the most
embarrasing moment in my life.　（10行）

My son is very short and equipped with leather on it.
And which is worse, It has no stamina and easily going.
How should I train it to be more tough

Japanese Food

I really like Japanses food. When I was in Tour, France there was no
Japanese food, so I had to go to Paris to get the Japanese food. In
Paris, there are two Japanses grocery stores. That is, Kyoko and
Zyuziya. By the way, Zyuziya open 10 am and close 10 pm. It reminds
me of seven-eleven. Go bcak to story, I used to go to Zyuziya cause
they also serve Japanese foods such as Onigiri, Karaage. However, the
price of the food is surprisingly high. Nissin Raou, for example,
cost 500 yen. Can you believe it? It was outrageous! Despite high
price, many Japanese seem to go there and buy something. I really
hope that new Japanese grocery store. (10行です)

最後の行に、coming つけわすれた・・

ほしゅ

>>1さんに採点希望age

採点希望age

逃走??

採点希望age

2ヶ月待ってるage