Next morning I decided to speak to Alexei about my fears but I didn't dare. When we got to the rink, he immediately began training and I remained in silence. I was just watching him skating and didn't dare to tell my problems. When practised triple Axels, triple toe loops, different kinds of sit-spins and lutzes and when he was finished, after two and a half hours, he sat down next to me and stroke my face. "What's disturbing you, honey?", he asked gently. Honey. He used this word for the first time. I shook my head. "Nothing important. Studies", I tried to get rid of the situation. Somehow he could feel something wasn't right and bent closer. "Still those nasty continuous verbs?", he joked and made my face turn towards him with his fingers. With referring to my "reason" of visiting him, he let me know that he knew I had lied again. I just couldn't bear it any longer. I put my head onto his shoulder, trying to hide my face in his t-shirt and I felt tears rolling down my face. He embraced me softly, stroking my back to calm me. "What's happened? Tell me what the matter is… I cannot help if youdon't tell me about your problems…" He looked at me, deep into my eyes. "We're a couple now, am I right? And couples usually share their problems… Hm?" I wiped my tears off and lowered my head. "I'm just unsure of our future", I whispered.
I will never forget the day I got his letter. I just came home from the city I studied at and I was damn tired. It was Friday afternoon and I desperately wanted to have a rest. I reached our house and searched my handbag for the key and when I opened the gate-door, a letter fell onto my feet from the letter-box. I bent down trying not to lose my stability while carrying my damn heavy suitcase. When I finally got inside the house I threw the suitcase onto the floor and looked at the envelope with a sigh. Soon my breath stuck inside my throat. It was stamped as having come from the USA but no sender was indicated. I opened it as soon as it was possible. And I had to sit down not to faint...
I sent him a letter about 2 months ago and I hoped I would get an autography. This was more than an autography, definately because the letter was 2 pages long... And all written in Russian... Probably because I mentioned I was majoring in that beautiful language... I ran into the bedroom for my dictionaries and read through the letter...
This was the very beginning of our correspondence. I followed the championships on tv and always wrote him my opinion, and not only the good ones. And we were chatting about everything on earth, from skating to golf, from movies to politics, from dogs to horses. This went on for nearly half a year when I finally got the chance to visit Russia. It was part of the education, I was to spend 6 weeks in Moscow to learn the language. I asked my teachers if it was possible to put me into the St. Petersburg group instead of the Moscow one... and then I wrote the good news to him. It turned out he decided to spend 2 weeks in his hometown before starting training for th Europeans.
I was overwhelmed with joy and frightened at the same time. Lots of questions came into my mind... What if doesn't find me pretty? What if I won't be able to say a single word or - let's say the worst that can happen to me - I will faint??? Or he starts to speak Russian, supposing I'm perfect in speaking that language and I will make grammar mistakes...????
Finally the day has come. I was standing at the 6th gate of the St. Petersburg airport waiting for his plane to arrive. I was in town for a week then so I more or less acclimatized. I didn't quite well speak Russian, I was better in writing but at least I knew how to get back to the student hostel and to the town rink, which, I supposed, we would visit... And suddenly, while I was totally deep in thoughts, there he wa standing in front of me saying hello... The world started spinning around, I just couldn't believe it was happening to me... It was really him. Alexei.
For a moment or two I didn't know what to do. Finally I groaned a shy hello. Though I felt free to write about anything, now that I saw him, the words stuck inside and never wanted to get out, however hard I tried... How much easier it was to write than to speak! I can say we knew each other from the letters, but I was surprised when he hugged me. The most surprising was his scent. I couldn't decide what it really was but could be a kind of mixture of Sandalwood and something else I couldn't figure out. All in all, it suited him, the way I was afraid I would loose my mind and do something I shouldn't...
The way to his mother's house was silent. Too silent. For some moments. For the weather was fine, we decided to walk instead of choking on a stuffy bus or in a taxi. I tried not to seem stupid so I started talking. But the question that came out of my mouth was rather sillysh. "And... did you have a nice journey?" Gosh. The most stupid question of all times. I was swearing inside and tried not to look at him. I didn't want to see his reaction. To my great surprise, he gave a smile. "Pretty hard to start a conversation, isn't it? I must admit I didn't also know how to get started... But to answer your question, I didn't really have a good fly from Moscow... We had such a plane I was afraid it would fall apart right when we started off... I prayed to God to survive that flight" He laughed. God, never imagined a man would have such a beautiful laugh. What's more I couldn't figure out any accent in the way he was speaking English. The air was warm and so was our conversation. Somehow he instinctly knew how to wipe my embarrasement away in a while. As we were walking along the streets, he showed me the city and told cute little stories from his childhood. It was only after an hour that I realized he didn't have any suitcases. "Where did you left your luggage?" "It'll be sent home. Modern way, isn't it? At least I don't have to carry them"
After one more 30 minutes we reached his mother's house. I had already known her, because she was the one who actually waited for me at the airport when I arrived. I knew that Alexei previously asked her to do so. I really liked her, and she was the only one from St. Petersburg with whom I could talk freely in Russian, not taking care of my aweful grammar knowledge and Hungarian accent, which normally really disturbed me. That's why I didn't really like speaking in Russian, except to her.
When she opened the door, she greeted us (of course she greeted him with a warm and quite long hug) and we walked in. I didn't really want to bother them so after a short time, I kindly waved goodbye and headed my way towards the student hostel to pick up my books and get to the university. Beforehand, I gave the address to Alexei so that he could find me, if he wanted so. On my way back I was deep in thoughts, thinking about all the things that happened to me in a short hour. And I realized I was in big big trouble... Because I had asudden understanding that I could easily fall in love with this man... And if I'm not careful, I will... and then my heart would break when seeing him leaving. I decided to keep a strong friendship and not to jump head-first into love with someone who cannot return it. Because I was sure I wasn't the type of girl he would fall in love with.
We were walking on the street towards the town rink. Alexei had his training bag with him, he admitted with a shy smile that he just couldn't live without skating. So we agreed to accopany him to the rink and watch him practising the triple oop and the quad. Though it was autumn, the weather was warm and sunny, the air full of scents: sweet-scent of flowers and leaves mixed with the fresh smell of soil. It was way too perfect. I slipped deep into thoughts and stopped to admire a bush of wonderful red roses near us and I didn't hear Vicky's voice calling me. I only realized the world 'outside' me when I felt a soft touch on my shoulder. "Beautiful flowers, aren't they?", I heard Alexei's voice behind me. I turned round in embarrassement.
''Sorry. I just . I guess I have forgotten about myself. I always do when I slip into my thoughts. Bad habit, I know." Alexei was smiling and stepped to the bush, touching one of its red flowers. ''I know how you feel. Sometimes I also want to get apart of the world and just enjoy the nature around me" He glanced at me and then reached out his hand towards me. ''Better speed up, Timmie. Before the rink closes. This time of the day there's nobody there, fortunately", he added, and I knew what he had meant by that. He didn't want people to recognize him. And then he caught my hand and embraced my fingers with his. The soft touch inducted little electric shocks on my skin and I felt my heart beating quicker and quicker each second. However hard I tried, I couldn't turn my face away, my body didn't obey my will and I was just gazing into the deep, blue ocean of his sparkling eyes. Though it was only a short moment, it seemed to be a much longer, endless, eternal one.
''Then. Shall we go on?", Vicky interrupted and the moment was suddenly broken. ''Umm. Yes, definately. Let's go", I mumbled and we followed her. And he was still holding my hand.
We got inside the St. Petersburg Skate Center. Alexei was right, only a few people were hanging around, mostly outside the rink, and no one was skating. Vicky and I sat down near the rink borders while Alexei put his skates on and slid to the centre of the ice. He was wearing black, quite tight pants and a black, also tight T-shirt and because of that, all the movements of his muscles could be clearly seen as he was doing some warm-up exercises. As I was watching him doing a perfect sit-spin and then a triple loop, I just couldn't help associating his movements with a beautiful, royally elegant black panther's. He was amazing. Amazingly appealing. Like a magician, enchanting the world with his magic power. Vicky touched my shoulder to pull me back to reality. ''Look around. Look! It's incredible!", she said. I followed her advice. What I saw was really incredible.
When we had entered the rink, there could be at about ten people around, now there were many more. Many many more. They gathered around the ice and were watching Alexei skating with increasing interest. Children were pointing at him with their little fingers, others were looking like they couldn't believe their own eyes. Alexei didn't seem to realize the crowd, he was concentrating so hard. When he finished his last limpberger, he looked up and only then did he notice the people around him. His face showed surprise, and an even bigger surprise when he received a standing ovation. For a moment or two he was just standing there, in the middle of the ice, looking taken aback and helpless. Then the experienced performer side of his personality rose to the surface and he elegantly bowed before the crowed smiling. I also burst into a smile. ''Alexei always thought he wasn't such popular in Russia as Plushenko. He seems to be mistaken.", I said and Vicky also laughed.''Who on earth is able to deny this man?", she winked at me.
Yes. Who is able to ignore him? To ignore such an aimeable personality? Such an attractive young man? Meanwhile he left the ice and came out. He sat down to put his skates off and when he was finished he joined us. To tell the truth, he tried to join us but wasn't able to. A huge wave of fans reached him and autograph-hunter girls totally hid him out of sight. He was signing autographs for nearly half an hour and didn't say no to any of the requests or questions. When he could finally get out of the ring of fans, he really seemed to be tired but was still smiling. ''Wow! That was unbelievable. I hoped no one would recognizeme and see what happened. I have to think it all over to understand where I had made a mistake.", he laughed referring to his unsuccessful attempt to remain out of spotlight. ''You have more fans than you could imagine, right?", I said. His eyes were flattering mischievously. ''I still can't believe how many fans I have actually. I'm not a film star or so. Never imagined that figure skating is such popular", he shrugged his shoulders. Suddenly another huge group of fans appeared, heading towards us. ''We should leave before they reach us or else we're going to spend the night here", Alexei laughed with a grin an waved to us to follow him. We slipped out at the backdoor and hid behind a huge tree.
''No more training here before closing time..", Alexei said grinning. ''I'd better ask the rink director to let me skate after closing time. Or the fans will swallow me up at once!" He looked into my eyes and suddenly became really serious. ''I have to go now. And I guess you too have to. But. umm. I'll call you up later. Thank you for having come with me and.", he lowered his head and glanced at me from behind the blondish locks that have fallen onto his forehead. ''If you need help with Russian, feel free to call. I had a real good time with you" Vicky seemed to be involved with closely examining a bush near us and did as if she hadn't heard anything. Having heard his words I immediately blushed and tried to hide my embarrasement with wiping away a hairlock from my forehead and putting it behind my ear. ''We also enjoyed ourselves", I said. ''Well. then. have a nice evening today." After saying goodbye we were watching Alexei disappearing in the distance and then we headed back to the hostel. Vicky looked at me and said smiling. ''I bet he is going to call you right after we get back to the hostel. I'll eat my hat if he isn't" I looked at her with a kind of ''I-will-kill-you-soon-if-you-continue-this'' look but actually the things she said were really fascinating - and frightening at the same time. Is he really interested in me? Or is it just a popular, famous man's game with a naive girl? I couldn't decide. That night I couldn't sleep. I couldn't get rid of the picture of Alexei, the way he was looking at me - and the feeling I experienced when he was holding my hand.
"Go and get a hat to eat", I said to Vicky the next morning. Vicky supposed that Alexei would call but he didn't. She shrugged her shoulders with a smile. "He will. You'll see that I'm right. You'll see soon." She was sure of herself but I doubted that she was right. We were having breakfast, it was Saturday morning so we didn't have to go to university. We decided to spend the day looking around the city, searching for some goodies to buy. I tried to forget Alexei for that day, which was really impossible, considering the fact that I always saw his blue eyes in front of me, no matter where we went or what we were doing. I remembered his face whenever we caught sight of a blondish young man, I remebered his eyes whenever we saw something blue, and whenever I heard a pleasant voice of a man, I always looked around quickly trying to catch sight of Alexei in the crowd somewhere… I was blaming myself. "So did you need this? Falling in love with HIM? EXACTLY HIM????? You silly girl shouldn't have sent that letter… He isn't interested in you, get rid of his eyes, please get rid of him… You'd better forget him… Com'on, he was just playing with you! Why did you think he would ever ever get involved in such a…"
BANG! I suddenly bumped into something as I was walking alone the street trying to convince myself to forget Alexei. Vicky had already gone back to the hostel and I slipped so deep into thoughts I forgot not about Alexei but the world and I banged into something. After a while I realized it was not something but somebody. I looked up and I immediately wanted to sink into the ground. It was Alexei. Right in front of me, with arms crossed before his chest. And he was smiling mischievously. "OH MY GOD, This just cannot be true", I kept saying to myself. I looked round and I wished I was dead… We were standing right at his house. I bet I did it unconsciously, my brain was directing me there, the way I didn't even realize it. "Ummm… uh… well… so… I… mmm… so…", I was mumbling really in a stupid way in total embarrassement. What the hell I should say to him??? "Sorry, I fell in love with you and my mind was leading me here" ???? "Good Morning… Nice to see you again", he said. Nice to see you again… What else could he have said? I thought he now considered me a stupid fan and nothing else…
"Uuuummm…. So… I just thought … so… We have some problem with understanding the usage of… the… continuous verbs…", I finally managed to say something. "And… we .. will write a test on Monday… uh… Could you help us, please?" God… If he falls for this really simple trick…. It was so clear that I lied, I knew he was laughing inside. "Sure. I have nothing to do today. I'm not a grammar genoius, I warn you, but.. if I can I'll help you." He knew it. He knew it, I was sure. I saw it in his eyes. Oh my god, how am I going to get out of this?!
We started our way back to the hostel again. While we were walking on the street, I glanced at Alexei and stated again that he looked great. I was close to him so I felt again his scent, the same I felt at the airport. He was wearing a tight sweater with a V-cut that showed a little part of his chest... I tried not to look at it but somehow my eyes always turned that direction... "I was just about to visit you when you turned up", he suddenly broke the silence that settled between us after we set off. "I called you half an hour ago but you weren't at the hostel", he glanced at me. I was surprised. So Vicky was right... I didn't really know what to say. "Vicky and I went to do some shopping...", I said finally. Silence again. Somehow the conversation stopped and we couldn't start it again. I felt it was getting tough. Why is it that we cannot talk? We have been writing four-five pages long letters to each other and now we hardly could say a sentence... I knew that he was also worried about it. After a while he stopped and looked at me.
"Do we really have to deal with grammar today?", he asked me. "I'd like to tell you something and I thought we would find a quiet place to talk", he added. Ay. He wants to tell me something. That sounds bad. In Hollywood movies the hero would say now to the girl that 'I have a wife and 3 children'. Alexei's words exactly sounded like that. Of course I knew he was single... but then... 'What does he want to say?', I kept asking myself. I nodded and agreed to find a suitable place. Finally we found a nice park and sat down among bushes of roses. I wondered what he wanted to say. He folded his fingers and put his chin onto his hands and started to bite his lips. "The thing I want to tell you... is... hm... rather personal", he glanced at me from behind those cute blondish locks. "Actually it's rather a question"... He kept silence for a while and I was just waitng, my heart beating like a drum, and I thought it was beating so loud he could hear it. "No... I have to explain my feelings before I ask the question", he finally said. "When I first got your letter, I really thought you were one of the thousands or so fans I have..."
He heaved a sigh and wiped a lock off his forehead. "ooh. It's harder than I could imagine...", he groaned. I tried to encourage him and put my hand onto his. "Just tell it. We discussed everything in mail, remember? It's the same. The only difference is that now we can see each other", I said. He smiled. The first smile since we have started off. "OK. So... We've been corresponding for 6 months now, right?" I nodded. "Yes." "During this time I realized I could ... imagine more than just a friendship...", he added on an unusually low voice. I felt the world spinning around me and for a moment everything vanished into darkness and I felt faining. His words were being repeated inside my head a thousand times and I didn't know what to feel... joy or fear. "Can you imagine it, too, or is it impossible?", he asked and captured my hand.
Somehow suddenly all my fears were gone and I felt stronger and more confident than ever. I didn't know what had given the power to me but it was an incredible experience. For he was holding my right hand, I had to use my left one to stroke that unruly, blond hairlock I loved so much. "Nothing is impossible. If you really want it", I smiled and he did also. The moment stuck in infinity and he slowly bent closer. His lips touched mine and I knew I found eternity.
When his lips left mine, I opened my eyes. His face was still very close to mine, I could clearly see the soft lights sparkling in his eyes. My heart was still beating like a huge drum, I felt passion flowing through my body with my burning blood. I have never ever felt anything like that. He was turning me upside down and I couldn't deny that feeling. I did not even want to deny it.
The wind was blowing softly, stroking my skin gently. We did not say a single word. We didn't even need one. He simply caught my hand and gave a smile that made his face look so adorably boyish but still very manly. We stood up and set off towards the city centre. Meanwhile we were walking on the beautiful streets of St. Petersburg, he embraced my waist. It was so incredibly good to feel his strong arm around me… I felt safer than ever. I smelled his scent, I felt his body, I heard his voice, I saw his face. I couldn't imagine anything more wonderful, more perfect. It was like a dream. And I was afraid of waking up…
We spent the whole day together, hanging around in the city. He made me taste some of the traditional Russian food like 'borshch', the traditional Russian ice-cream and other delicious sweets. We were really having fun. The day passed faster than I could ever imagine but it was wonderful. When we got back to the hostel at about 10 pm, he asked me if I wanted to spend the next day with him as well. Of course I said yes. He told me that he was going to spend the whole Sunday with skating or else Tatiana Tarasova would kill him if she found him in a worse condition than before leaving.
I understood that. Skating comes first, love next. But I knew it was the right order for him. He devoted his life to figure skating and he was at his best. He was on top. And he had to make use of every moment while he was the best figure skater, so that he could finish his career with getting every acknowledgement possible: he was four times world champion, 3 times champion of Europe, Olimpic Gold Medalist, twice grand prix winner…
He kissed me goodbye and I slipped into my room, trying not to wake Vicky up. I tried to close the door without noise. I turned round and found Vicky sitting up in her bed grinning hard. "So…? Did you have fun?", she laughed. I put my arms akimbo. "Why are't you sleeping instead of asking questions?", I replied. "Why aren't YOU sleeping? You were out all day long, I didn't even know where you have gone!"
I realized she was right and felt a bit ashamed. I sat down on my bed and looked at her. "You cannot imagine what had happened to me…", I started. She bent closer to listen me out. "You were with Alexei right?" I nodded. "We spent the whole day togethe", I said and grabbed my pillow. "He kissed me…", I whispered and hid my face into the pillow. "Wooooooooooooooowie and bababababummm!", she screamed. "Really? Yay!!" "I was reacting exactly like you", I answered. "Oh Vicky… It was so incredible… He's … He's… He is amazing…" Suddenly I felt fear. And it was growing. Growing fast. "What future can this relationship have?", I whispered and started to shiver.
"He's here for 2 weeks. Two weeks… and everything will be over… I don't want to be an affair…", I was on the edge of crying. Only then did I realize I was to lose him. And I felt my heart breaking. I didn't want to fall in love with him but it did happen. And now I couldn't imagine my life without Alexei. I burst out in bitter tears. What's going to happen next? Why is it hurting so much? I loved him. I loved him the way I never loved anyone else. I was crying for a man first time in my life.
で、ここから>>273のpart9へと続く。まだまだto be continued!! これを公式のBBSに書いてしまうところがすごい。