< Shotgun marriage > A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked. "Yes I do." she replied. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes I remember." "Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?" "Yes I do", she replied. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."
では ブロンドもの。 こんな馬鹿さもかわいいかな < Alligator > A guy walked into a bar with an alligator. He said to the astonished patrons, "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth, place my penis inside, and keep it for a minute. If I can do this, each of you pay me $100." The crowd murmured their approval curiously. The man dropped his trousers and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The crowd gasped. The alligator closed his mouth. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator's head hard. The alligator opened his mouth and the man removed his unscathed genitals. The crowd cheered and paid money. Then, he made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, A blonde woman raised her hand. She timidly said, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me with that bottle."
>>43 じゃこんなのは? < My wife's first husband > The groundskeeper at the cemetery heard the sobbing of an old gentleman as he lay across the grave. He was sobbing, "Why did you die, oh, why did you die?" "Was that your wife?" the groundskeeper asked. "No, it wasn't my wife. Oh, why did you die?" "Was it a friend?" "No." "It wasn't a member of your family?" "No, oh, why did you die?" "Who's berried in that grave?" "My wife's first husband."
A lady: "Sir Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your glass of water there." W.Churchill: "Lady Anne, if you were my wife, I would have it down my throat."
A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage.
The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something. So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth.
Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams in disgust.
"What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?" "No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."
A guy goes to a prostitute and has sex. After it is done, she turns to him and says, "If I can guess your profession, you give me $100?", to which he agreed. The prostitute said, "You are a doctor". Doctor: "How did you guess?" Prostitute: "You washed your hands before and you washed your hands after. Want to go double or nothing? I can guess your specialty." Doctor: "Sure. No way!" Prostitute: "You're an anesthesiologist." Doctor: "That's incredible! How did you guess?" Prostitute: "Because I didn't feel a thing."
A man walks into the doctor’s office and complains that he just can’t seem to find a comfortable position to sit. The doctor examines him and tells him "I’m not surprised that you’re having trouble sitting, you have a good case of hemorrhoids" He then gives the man a supply of suppositories, and tells him "Go home now, and use one of these each morning and one at night until they’re gone. Then come back and we’ll see how you are." The man goes home, and in a couple of weeks, he shows up at the doctor’s office again. "Well", says the doctor, "Did you use all of the suppositories?" "Yes, I did." says the man "I took one every morning and every night as you instructed, even though they were pretty hard to swallow.
For all the good they did me, I might just as well have shoved them up my ass!"
A couple, age 67, went to the doctors office. The doctor asked them, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $32.00. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex and leave after paying the doctor. Finally the doctor asked, "just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60.00. The Hilton charges $76.00.
We do it here for $32.00 and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office."
This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing! "...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..." The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the Medical Examiner and drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, as he pulls the cork out again. It’s playing music "...On the road again..." The Medical Examiner is totally unimpressed. "So what?" he says. "Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?", the guy asked.
"Are you kidding?" says the Medical Examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music!"
Abe goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated. I'm seventy years old, I've lived a full life, but now I feel that this is what I need to do." The doctor replies, "Abe, at your age, this is a serious operation. You should talk to your wife and your Rabbi, think about it some more." "No," Abe adds, "I thought about it and I want you to do it." "Abe," replies the doctor, "This is serious. I want you to think about it for another week, and if you still want me to castrate you, I'll do it." A week goes by and Abe comes back and says, "let's do it!" Following surgery, the doctor is at Abe's bedside as the patient wakes up. "Abe," says the doctor, "All went well, but it will take a couple of weeks for you to recover. You should live out your days with no problems. By the way Abe, I always thought that you were Jewish." "What do you mean, doc?" Abe replies with a puzzled look on his face. "Well, you are not circumcised" the doctor states.
An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?" "Here's a prescription, Mrs. Barker. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week." Next week an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?" "Calm down, Mrs. Barker," said the doctor soothingly.
"Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."
How do you know that this is a shitty coffin? Well, actually it's a coffin (or worse) though... I mean, my room. Yet it's not a matter of where I live but who I am! No lassy comes closer to this palace...
THE NOT NOEL COWARD (PENIS) SONG Written and sung by Eric Idle From `Monty Python's The Meaning Of Life'
Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen. Here's a little number I tossed off recently in the Caribbean..
Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis? Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong? It's swell to have a stiffy It's divine to own a dick From the tiniest little tadger To the world's biggest prick! So three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake Your piece of pork Your wife's best friend Your Percy or your cock You can wrap it up in ribbons You can slip it in your sock But don't take it out in public Or they will stick you in the dock And you won't a-come a-back!