世界一おもしろいジョーク http://www.laughlab.co.uk/winner.html A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up. 'Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce.'
"Watson says, 'I see millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.'
"Holmes replied: 'Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent!' "
An Israeli man had a heart attack after hiring a call girl to come to his hotel room only to find it was his own daughter. The 48-year-old businessman recovered and on his return home to northern Israel told his wife who is now divorcing him. The Maariv daily paper reports she burst into tears, vowed to put their daughter back on the "right path" and then demanded a divorce. Her husband was taken to a hospital in Eilat after suffering the heart attack brought on by the shock of seeing his daughter.
First old man : You want to go for a walk ? Second old man : Isn't it windy ? First old man : No, It's Thursday. Second old man : Me, too. Let's go get a beer.
Patient : I'm feeling terrible. Am I dying ? Doctor : I'll have to examine you. Hmm...hmmm...I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time. Patient : Oh no! How long have I got ? Doctor : Ten... Patient : Ten? Ten what? Doctor : Nine... Patient : Nine? Nine what-months? weeks? what?! Doctor : Eight...seven...six...
44 windy→wednesday、thursday→thirsty の聞き違いはいいけど、 It'sをI'mと聞き違ええるかどうか…。 You want to go for a walk ? windy? no, thursday. Me, too. Let's go and get beer. としたらいいかも。
A lady visited her doctor again. Doc said, you look more sick and exhausted than before. Are you having 3 meals a day as I advised? The lady said, "What? I thought you said 3 males a day!"
A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his computer and she asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with. Wanting to embarrass the female he told her to enter "Penis". Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She almost died laughing at the computer's response:
An old man married a young girl. On the wedding night he showed 5 fingers to his wife. The young wife said, "Ooh.. Darling! 5 times? The old man said, "No dear, choose which one you prefer to start."
Question: What is the smallest hotel in the world? Answer: The Vagina because it can only accommodate 1 standing occupant and leaves 2 baggages outside!
A man asks a doctor how to live longer. Doctor: "Do you smoke?" Man: "No," Doctor: "Do you like women?" Man: "No" Doctor: "Then you want to live so long for what?"
A rich man with a bag stuffed with ten thousand yen bills appeared in the branch of a bank, and borrowed the safety box. The clerk of bank told him. "Excuse me, our customer. Even though you may put it in, cannot take any interest. Would you think about opening the account of a time deposit?" Rich man replied. "I want to do so, if I can...but, how can you take out something to insure in security for?"
あるいは、最後の1行をこんな風にとか。もとネタの意図から大きくずれるけど。 "So what? I don't want to interest you in my money at all!" interestの意味を誤解したようなオチにしてみました。
Computing in Heaven: User interface is Windows XP, solidity is Windows NT, compatibility is Windows 98, speed is MS-DOS, popularity is adobe, price is PC UNIX, excitement is in auction and found none is spam.
In Hell: User interface is MS-DOS, solidity is Windows 98, compatibility is Windows NT, speed is Windows XP, popularity is PC UNIX, price is adobe, excitement is spam and found none is in auction.
Intel has released new processor family which achieved less heat and lower power consumption. New branding would be taken to have fast market recognition. The CPU is proudly named "repentium 4".
A mad was wandering around with a rope in his hand dragging. Someone curious asked him What does he do with the rope. The mad yealled, Don't bother me, I've just caught a dog, busy finding the owner, Transparent man.
>>117 A madman was walking dragging a rope behind him. A busy-body asks, "What's the matter?" The madman replies, "I just want to return this dog to the invisible man."
A family were given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked the deer steaks and served them up for dinner. "What is this?"asked their young daughter. "Is it beef?" "No,"said the father. "Is it pork?"said theri young son. "No,"said the father. "I'll give you a clue. It's what Mum sometimes calls me." "Spit it out, sis,"yelled the boy. "We're eating asshole!"
The chief of the tribe said, "You will all be killed then eaten. But if the length of your private part adds up to 12 inches, we will let you go"
First the black man was measured. "7 inches.. ok next" Then the chinese man. "3 inches.. ok next" Then the japanese man. "2 inches, ok... we will let you go"
Afterwards, those three men argued who saved their lives.
"Ohmigod! You should thank ME for saving your lives. 7 inches man! Otherwise you would all be dead!" said the black man. "No, I saved your lives! If it was any shorter you would all be dead!" said the chinese man. Lastly said the japanese man. "You guys are wrong... you should thank ME for having an erection"
A six year old girl goes in to a pet shop. Standing on her toes she peers up at the owner and says "Excuse me mister, can I buy a little bunny rabbit?" Bending down, the owner looks at the little girl. "Of course you can little lady. Now what kind of bunny rabbit would you like? Would you like a white bunny rabbit, a black bunny rabbit with big long ears or a nice big fluffy black bunny rabbit?" The little girl replies "I don't think my python gives a fuck mister, as long as it gets a bunny rabbit"
A drunk guy walks into a bar and looks up to see a lady with a French poodle. The drunk slurs, "Where did you get that pig?" The lady, with a look of surprise, snaps back, "I'll have you know that it is a French poodle." The drunk looks at her and says, "I was talking to the French poodle."
all that i knew about bees until yesterday was derived from that great naturalist, Dr Issac Watts. in common with every one who has been a child i knew the incect improved each their shining hour by gathering honey all the day form opening flower. i had also heard that bees could not sting you if you held your brealth, a precaution which would make conversation by the herbaceous border an affair altogether to spasmodic.
Pepperdine joke #1 Q. How many Japanese politicians does it take to screw a light bulb? A. I don't know, but it would take more than 15 years.
Pepperdine joke #2 Q. What's the difference between a Pepperdine freshman and a Pepperdine graduate? A. 19 credits.
Pepperdine jokesの評 アメリカの古典ジョーク(以下の例など)を良く踏まえている。総合評価:A+ Q. How many straight men in San Francisco does it take to screw a light bulb? Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
Pepperdine joke #3 Q. Four people are walking down the street together: Santa Claus the laywer who handled Koga's graduation credits and degree an honest lawyer an old drunk guy
and they simultaneously see a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Who gets it?
How do you get an elephant into a fridge? Open the fridge door, put it in, and then close the fridge door.
How do you get a giraffe into a fridge? Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, and close the door.
There is a meeting of all the animals in the animal kingdom. One animal is not there. Which animal is it? The giraffe, because he is in the fridge.
You need to cross an alligator and crocodile infested river. How do you get across?(You have no boat/raft etc. and there is no bridge or anything else by which to cross the river) You swim across, all the alligators and crocodiles are at the meeting of all the animals in the animal kingdom.
This is a talk when I meet you in front of about five years. You were very valiant and were able to run the pasture gallantly. You are uncanny. It can be called various restraints as a life object, and the existence which transcended the law and theory of the universe. However, I am you. All are understood. You who consider even your thing just like others can say that it is just its heart. If the partner of your first love is Marilyn Monroe or Audrey Hepburn, you are Humphrey Bogarde completely. Is it very very great very much?
これは、私が貴方に会う5年前の話です。 貴方は非常に猛々しかった?、それに加え、放牧地を猛々しく走ることができた?? 貴方は超人的(キモイか? 私は様様な抑止を??命の物質として??法や宇宙の存在を超越する?? とはいえ、私は貴方。 貴方が物事を良く考える前に??just like others can say that it is just its heart. もし、貴方が最初に愛したパートナーが、Marilyn Monroe or Audrey Hepburn, you are Humphrey Bogarde completely それってちょーちょーちょー凄くない?
>>192って日本人の書いた英文とオモたがな。 約五年前 -> in front of about five years run the pasture 放牧地を走る、なら run IN the pasture だろ その他へんちくりん英語。
>>199 You (who consider even your thing just like others ) can say that it is just its heart. 自分のものさえを他(人のもの?)のように考えるあなたは、それは単にその心臓(こころ?)だと言うことができる。 というような意味か。
http://www.laughlab.co.uk/winner.html A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"