涼宮ハルヒのID

GIVE HARUHIISM EQUAL TIME - AN OPEN LETTER TO KANSAS
SCHOOL BOARD


To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing you with much concern after having read of your hearing to decide whether the
alternative theory of Intelligent Design should be taught along with the theory of
Evolution. As Mr. Bush said when he met the press last August, "Part of education is to
expose people to different schools of thought". I think we can all agree that it is
important for students that "both sides ought to be properly taught" so they can choose
for themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them. I am concerned, however, that
students will only hear only two theories of Intelligent Design.

Please allow me to remind you that there are more than one sort of Intelligent Design
theory. For example, one is based on William Paley's watchmaker analogy. Another is based
on spaghetti. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the
universe was created by Suzumiya Haruhi, a female high school student who wants to find
out E.T., time traveler from the future and people with supernatural abilities, and then
play with them (see http://www.haruhi.tv/). It was She who created all that we see and all
that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards
evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Her will.

It is for this reason that I formally request that this alternative theory -namely
Haruhiism -- be taught in your schools, along with the other three theories. Each should
share equal time. In fact, I will go so far as to say, if you do not agree to do this,
American people who believe Haruhiism will be forced to proceed with legal action (and you
may face more serious situation, I will explain later in this letter). The reason is quite
simple: if the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith, but instead another
scientific theory, as is claimed, then you must also allow our theory to be taught, as it
is also based on science, not on faith.

(cont.)

To avoid any "misunderestimation" on Haruhiism, I'll take a few minutes to explain it. We
have evidence that She created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it,
but we have witnessed Her power on TV, and have written accounts of how She created the
universe. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of Her power.

Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over millions of us, and growing. We
call those people who believe Haruhiism Haruhiist (some people prefer to call themselves
member of SOS Dan). Maybe you didn't know many of us, because we tend to be very secretive,
as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. What these
people don't understand is that She built the world to make us think the universe is older
than it really is. For example, an astronomer may calculate the universe's age by
observing Hubble Constant (H0). If he finds H0 is 70, based on Hubble's Law, then he
infers that the universe is about 14 billions years old. But what our scientist does not
realize is that every time he makes a measurement, Her will is there changing the result.

We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons
why She does this. Her will is of course invisible and can apply to everything in this
universe.

I'm sure you now realize how important it is that your students are taught this alternate
theory. It is absolutely imperative that they realize that observable evidence is at the
discretion of Her will. Furthermore, as I said above, you will face much more devastating
consequence than lawsuit if you don't teach Haruhiism in your schools - that is, She will
create some kind of closed space, due to the disturbance of Her will. This abnormal space
will grow increasingly; invade the normal space we live. The ultimate result is doomsday.

Although we, the Haruhiists believe that other two theories of Intelligent Design are
untrue, we do agree with the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster's theory on global
warming, that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a
direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. We also found there is
a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.

In conclusion, thank you for taking the time to hear our views and beliefs. I hope I was
able to convey the importance of teaching Haruhiism to your students. We will of course be
able to train the teachers in this alternate theory. I am eagerly awaiting your response,
and hope dearly that no legal action will need to be taken. I think we can all look
forward to the time when these four theories are given equal time in our science
classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One fourth time for Intelligent
Design, one fourth time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, one fourth time for Haruhiism and
one fourth time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence.

Sincerely Yours,

A. Thaliana, concerned world citizen.


This open letter is intelligently adopted from Bobby Henderson's (see http://www.venganza.org/). Thanks Bobby!

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